Does Not Compute

When I was in first grade, the teachers determined our reading level then passed out books to everyone according to their level.  I opened my book to the first page, and tried and tried to read it, getting silently and increasingly panicked and thinking the seven-year-old equivalent of oh shit, I am in way over my head.  As it turns out, I was trying to read the copyright page, miniscule print and gibberish information.  I thought reading just got really, really difficult in first grade.  I finally turned the page, found the normal first grader words and font size, and continued on with my life. 

Right now, in everything I do, my brain in stuck on the copyright information page.  Not so much the in over my head part as just the general bewilderment and complication of basic tasks.  Last night I tried to learn a new card game, and even as asked repeated questions about the basic rules, I could feel that it wasn’t taking.  It’s like that with everything, everything right now.  It’s having a child younger than a year old, focusing all my brain cells on nurture and survival.  It might be compounding though, not just Brain Power – 7 month old, but (Brain Power – 7 month old) (–(# of children)) + caffeine – hours up past 10 PM. 

If your brain is feeling sluggish, try to describe it in terms of a mathematical equation.  That will make it much, much clearer.

I’m spending all my wind down time of elaborate embroidery projects that go no where.  If you thought you were getting a handmade Christmas present this year, you’re probably not, but not for lack of trying.

Being a mother of young children is going to be the great weed-out of friends who aren’t that into me.  I didn’t return your text or email or facebook message, invited myself to your house for dinner, didn’t bring anything, did bring a handful of children who will very likely jump on your couch* and eat all of one item in your home that was not offered to them, like a box of cereal or the contents of your fruit bowl.  If you come over here, I’ll forget to get any drinks besides water and will have to vacuum while you are here.  If you’re reading this right now and thinking, “Ooh, that’s me!  She vacuumed last time we were there!” it’s not just you.  It’s a lot of people.

I’m just hoping that the friend thing is like waiting tables.  I always got better tips when I was so busy that I neglected most of my tables and just barely got their drinks refilled.  Maybe people are going to like Incoherent Kelly better than than Regular Kelly.

And if not, at least I know the friends that are still friends with me in ten years are my real friends. 

 

*There is no legal punishment that will stop kids from jumping on couches.  Tate broke his leg jumping on a couch and could not walk for weeks- didn’t even phase him.