Rush and Tate are both generally anxious about the water. They tend to cry every time I try to get them into the big pool in our neighborhood, which so far has been every day this summer. (Hurray for summer at the pool!) Tate will immediately climb out of the baby pool and spend his time playing on the chairs. Rush spent all last summer doing the same thing and is noticeably more comfortable this summer, a fact I am largely crediting to swimming lessons, which he is in the midst of. He’s loving the baby pool, but not willing to do much in the big pool with us. As for swimming lessons, Rush was fine after the first day, but on the first day there was a lot of crying and not wanting to get out of the car and not wanting to get into the water. Thankfully the parents are not allowed into the pool area and watch lessons behind police interrogation glass mirror windows so the kids are forced to jump right in, literally and figuratively. The instructors are obviously experienced with scared kids and Rush is doing great at his lessons. He was fine after that first morning.
It’s been an emotional experience for me, because I look at Rush and feel the exact same apprehension he felt that first day. It’s the burden that the oldest child carries, having to be the test subject for every new experience. Just from one week of going with Rush, Tate is already familiar with the facilities and the process of swimming lessons. Rush was so nervous the first day because he didn’t know what to expect. I was holding back tears all morning, and the night before, of course. Quality nervousness always includes the night before.
I mentioned my nervousness to my –younger- sister Casey the day before his first lesson and talked about the how that was the worst feeling as the oldest child. Casey, who never hesitated to emphasize the downside of “always” getting bossed around as the second child, actually admitted that she always recognized the advantage of having a someone test out life experiences for her. When she started college she not only had a built in best friend in the form of moi on campus, she had also spent a weekend with me and spent the nights in my dorm room and she knew that I was doing fine. The whole summer before I went to college, I just keeping thinking, we don’t even know if my parents had the ability to raise a person to survive on her own. I was the test subject, as always. Now as a parent, it’s not comforting to know that parents have no idea the first time either. I was a basket case over what to pack for Rush’s lunch when he started mother’s day out. With Tate, that’s a ridiculous fear.
But what’s made me cry a little bit every day during swimming lessons is seeing that I’ve passed along my gene of being nervous about new things to Rush. I see him give his teacher a look that says “you’re crazy for asking me to do something crazy” before he’s expected to put his face under water. I recognize that look because I gave it to gymnastics teachers, track coaches, camp counselors…Why did I have to pass along a gene like that? Why can’t my children be made of an invincible mix of only the very best Trent and Kelly qualities?
What’s going to get Rush through life is that as the oldest you have to just fight through it. You stick a power ballad in your head (I like Here I Go Again by Whitesnake) and go, because what’s your other option? Not learning to swim? Not ever starting high school?
I’m thinking about this today because this afternoon I joined a gym. Of course I was unnecessarily nervous on the way to check it out. I find decisions are often best made when you don’t think about them too much and just handle the consequences later, like finding a sick kitten on the beach and putting him in your car, so I went ahead and joined while I was there. What amazed me the most on the way there was thinking about Trent, who never feels even slightly nervous about new things. The man starts a new job like he owns the place, never even considering paralyzing details like where to park or who to eat lunch with. I never even knew that kind of attitude was an option in life.
So I’m hoping that with Trent’s influence I can shake my old ways and face every brand new situation with unfailing confidence. Sounds totally doable right…? I’ve got to go blindly into new things with Rush anyway, so I might as well try to be Trent-like in the process. For the first time ever I have a gym membership tag on my keychain, so why not?
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